Don’t we all have that perfect birth story already made up in our mind the second we find out we’re pregnant? I know I did. No emergencies. Natural. Drug-Free. Perfect.
SO ANTICLIMACTIC. I had my membranes stripped more times than I can remember in an attempt to help me progress. Still nothing. Week 40 came with more membrane stripping and an official date scheduled for my induction at exactly 41 weeks.
I was at 3 cm when they checked me in, and that was as far as I would make it on my own. Keep in mind I was up walking all day and I couldn’t sleep through the contractions. I couldn’t get comfortable, and the only way to relieve some pain was by standing. So I walked circles around that hospital all night, until 5am the next morning. I was STILL 3 cm by then and things weren’t looking great so I caved and asked for an epidural because all I wanted to do was sleep. I was so desperate for sleep if I was going to go through labor soon.
I got the epidural shortly before my doctor stopped by to break my water since I hadn’t progressed in 12 hours. I very quickly went to 8cm and I was so relieved, I was ready. But the next time they checked, I apparently went back down to a 6 (is that even possible?) and they were all in disbelief… I’m thinking, why me??? Around noon my doctor broke the news to me that she wanted to do a c-section. Although myself and the baby were healthy and stable, she knew I wasn’t making progress. She had a feeling the baby just wouldn’t fit because I’m only 5’0’ and they knew I had a big baby, especially at 41 ½ weeks now. My doctor’s shift was over at 5pm, and the next day was Thanksgiving which she had off, so she didn’t want me to get stuck with another doctor doing my C-section.
I was devastated.
If it weren’t for so many people in the room at the time, I would have lost it. As disappointed as I was, I knew this time that my fight was over and that things just weren’t going my way.
It’s funny that the lesson I learned from this story was truly my first lesson as a parent. Just like I couldn’t control my birth, we can’t control our sweet, sweet children. Things may not go exactly the way we want them to, but we have to learn to cope and just make the best out of our situations.
From the moment Sofía was born, I've faced this challenge of who I once was and who I have to become to be the best mom for my daughter. My personality is very strong in the sense that I like things a VERY specific way, and I have a hard time envisioning things being done any other way - who's with me? I have seen glimpses of being this type of mom: controlling, nagging, stressed out, resistant. And I see how it affects Sofía. I have had to make so many adjustments to be the mom that I know will help Sofía find herself and her personality in a more raw, untouched form that isn't being fabricated by her mom.
It's still a challenge everyday, but it's a sacrifice I'm willing to make for the greater good - losing a little bit of myself so that my daughter can gain all of herself in her true & rare form. Because there is no one else out there like her, and she is so special in all of her little ways. How can I not support that as her biggest fan?
Stephanie + Brittany here! We'll be sharing different topics week to week depending on what life throws at us! Funny moments, frustrating moments, heart to hearts, epiphanies, ideas, thoughts and anything in between.